“I Find People Scary”: Moving Beyond Social Anxiety

I recently finished an episode of Paradise (highly recommend), and Shailene Woodley’s character, Annie, really stayed with me. Because of a traumatic past, Annie lives in a self-imposed "cocoon," guarded by a deep mistrust of others. There was one scene in particular that struck a chord: while walking down a path, her companion wanted to say hello to a group of strangers who were passing by. Annie retreated, unable to do the same—and yet, when her friend spoke to them, nothing bad happened. The world didn't end; it was a quiet, powerful moment of safety in contrast to her internal storm.

Watching Annie retreat reminded me so much of my own journey. Throughout the years, I have struggled with social anxiety. I lived with the constant, nagging feeling that people were "out to get me"- that they would look at me and see something I wasn't ready to face. I feared they would realize I wasn't good enough. I feel bad for this past self – a part of me who was unkind, cruel and self-deprecating.

The Shift: From Fear to Curiosity

When I reflect on the past, growth didn’t happen overnight for me, but it did happen through practice. It began when I started modelling my behaviour after my husband, who is a natural social butterfly. I watched how he engaged with the world, and I began to mirror his approach: asking questions out of genuine curiosity and interest, rather than fearing for my life and performing for approval.

Slowly, as I began asking more questions, the world started to feel less threatening. I realized that most people aren't a source of danger and seeing their 'humanness' helped me understand that they don't have all the answers, either. They navigate the same uncertainties and insecurities that I do. I also learned that even in the "worst-case scenario" where someone is actually judgmental, that judgment is usually a reflection of their own internal struggles rather than a statement of my self-worth. I tend to feel sad for them rather than for myself.

Understanding Social Anxiety

If you struggle with socializing, you are far from alone. Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is one of the most common mental health challenges, affecting approximately 7% to 12% of people at some point in their lives. It isn't just "shyness"; it is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others.

This fear can affect work, school, and your ability to form meaningful relationships. But while it feels like a permanent cage, it is actually a highly treatable condition.

How We Heal: The Power of CBT and Exposure

One of the most effective ways to treat social anxiety is through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT helps us identify the "cognitive distortions"—those survival-based lies our brains tell us, like “Everyone thinks I’m boring” or “I’m going to embarrass myself.”

A key component of this work is Gradual Exposure. Instead of jumping into a crowded party (which would be overwhelming), we take small, manageable steps to "test" our fears:

• Step 1: Making eye contact and smiling at a cashier.

• Step 2: Asking a coworker a simple, open-ended question.

• Step 3: Attending a small gathering for thirty minutes with a planned exit strategy.

Each time you survive a "scary" social interaction, your nervous system learns that you are safe. Over time, the volume of the fear begins to turn down.

Small Steps You Can Take Today

If you’re feeling stuck in your own cocoon, try these gentle ways to put yourself out there:

1. Lead with Curiosity: Instead of worrying about what to say, focus on asking one question. People generally love to talk about themselves, and it takes the spotlight off you!

2. Practice Mindful Presence: When anxiety spikes, focus on the physical sensations in the room—the sound of a voice, the feel of your feet on the floor—to pull yourself out of your head.

3. Give Yourself Grace: Some days will be harder than others. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s showing up.

If you stayed this long to read my blog post, from the bottom of my heart thank you.

And if you resonated with this topic, North Point Therapy is there to support you and your social anxiety. You don’t have to stay in the cocoon forever!

If you’d like to connect and learn, more please reach out to us at admin@northpointtherapy.ca.

Chelsie Ostrega

Registered Psychotherapist

Toronto, ON